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What the fuck is up, playas? I’ve been meaning to do a tarot guide for awhile and since I can’t do any show, I figured that now is as good a time as any, right? Right! Thus, the Deadass Tarot Guide is born.

Yes, I am a dick head comedian and flamboyant and erractic podcaster. Many people would also consider me “just some random nigga”. They wouldn’t exactly be wrong about that either. I’ve also been readying tarot cards for about 13 years.

I have noticed over the years different representations from different websites, as well as a number of hard agreements. Considering that Tarot is one of my favorite psychological tools, I figured I’d take a few weeks and publish my interpretations and “discoveries” and shit like that.

Yes, there will be a fair amount of vulgarities and random shit. Yes, it might not be very PC but it will randomly be LGBT friendly. In short, I’m a wild ass nigga and I might say some gay shit. Don’t trip.

Check back for updates and I hope you enjoy a fools journey from a professional fool. The plan is to do videos and streams, too. So, let’s have some fucking fun and consulting some oracles, playboy.

Jump on in to whatever you want to find if you know tarot. Or stick around here and judge my beginner’s guide. If you’re a beginner, definitely keep reading because you are likely wondering…

What is fucking tarot, dude?

Tarot is a method of divination. That means you are trying to get information beyond your natural senses and shit. You’re using symbols to get insight. That’s a word that I use a lot. Insight!

The cards are made from the blood of everyone you know. It could be a lot or a little, but it’s all blood, baby! There’s no way around that. Even the prepacked cards you buy online or a little socially distanced psychis shop sneak out of your house and stab everyone you care about, just a little bit.

Yes, I am making this up and it’s not because I want you to feel dumb or be uninformed. The truth is, there are many tarot histories. From them being playing cards in France back in the day, to being used by ancient Egyptians, to some variation of the blood thing I was joking about, tarot cards can be pretty mysterious.

Here is the short and definitely true answer: Tarot cards are pieces of paper with pictures on them. There are 4 suits: Cups (chalices), Swords (swords), Wands (sometimes called batons. They are basically sticks), and Pentacles (which look like the Bitcoin logo).

There are 56 of them. Count.

Do you have more than 56? Fantastic. Because there are 78. The cards that appear in the suits are the same as a regular playing card deck. You can actually read with a regular deck and a lot of niggas do.

The other cards are numbered 0 to 21. You should have 22 of them in total.

You are using too many fucking words, dude…

“Major Arcana, Minor Arcana, suits, playboy, bitcoins” may all be foreign to you. So let me try to break down all that stuff real quick.

Minor Arcana: the 56 cards divided into 4 suits numbered from 1 to 10, with 4 court cards in each suit.

Court Cards: Each suit has a page (knave), knight, queen, king.

Major Arcana: Cards number 0-21 that tell a bit of a story that some call “The Fool’s Journey”. Often called Trump cards. Don’t make it weird. They are not going to ban Muslims from traveling or tweet random shit or, sadly, buy you KFC.

Suits: again, the symbols that represent the minors. I can and will have a bit to say about them, so check out the suit guide.

There’s other terminology and chill, player. You can check that out, too.

So, is this fucking magic or what?

I’ve adhered to different beliefs throughout my life and the easy way to answer this is to ask yourself “What is Magic?”. Some say Magick and many dont mention it at all. You’d have to decide but I will clarify this guide.

Generally speaking, this is not a magickal guide. It’s just my notes and findings over the last decade and a half. I tend to use the word “psychological”. Once again, it’s a tool to give you insight.

If you believe something about the future, it really might be what you know but it’s in the forefront of your mind all of the time. Some folks also are pessimists, which makes them very good at predicting the future. I mean, eventually, some fucked up shit is going to happen to you, right? Bad things are inevitable.

Almost everyone in the tarot world is going to tell you that nothing is set in stone. This is not just so they can refuse to give you a refund. It’s just a simple matter of free will. It’s about your volition on periodt, playboy/girl/person.

I don’t fucking guarantee a god damn thing, but I will tell you that my readings are usually very accurate. I attribute this to the fact that I don’t put things in crazy term. Realism is the best way to go. Even in the tarot spreads that concern wishes, there is still a part that is about what you have to do in order to make it come true and create the right environment.

To put things simply, tarot is as real as you are. It’s ultimately the good sense you have applied to symbols and worked out as an insight. Whatever you read is just pictures and symbols. It’s how you apply and respond to those configurations that are really important. Don’t ever forget that’s it’s all about you.

About Post Author

Randall thompson

Stand up comedian. Podcaster. Tarot. Ho. Dude, I just don't take any of it too seriously anymore.
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